One of the questions that everybody struggles with in their life, is: Am I good enough? Am I intelligent enough? Pretty enough? Tough enough? Am I a good enough mother or father? Am I good enough for that job?
We compare ourselves to others and start doubting ourselves. It keeps turning around in your head. Al those thoughts that try to convince you that other people are nicer, funnier, more intelligent and more interesting than you. We tend to think that other human beings are good enough. But don’t forget that you are a human begin too! Everyone – truly, everyone! – doubts themselves at one point or another.
Our self-image is formed by our experiences with other people. If you have the experience that love is conditional, then you will think that completely normal. You think it is normal that you get attention if you get good grades in school. That you are rewarded when you do what is expected of you. Maybe you know that you will be ignored for a couple of hours or even days when you’ve done something wrong. Maybe you associate making a mistake with punishment or pain. You have learnt that if you are good enough, you will get the attention, love and appreciation that every human being longs for. All of this has consequences for your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.
In our relationships with family, friends, colleagues, our boss, and in romantic relationships, we look for things that feel familiar. For example, I had a few romantic relationships in which I often had the feeling that I was not good enough. Of course, this made me unhappy, so that I would get out of those relationships. But I kept making the same choices. Until I met someone who treated me as an equal and with respect. Someone who showed me that he really liked me and who didn’t play games to get my attention.
It took me a couple of years to be able to trust my partner and to show myself to him. Because I was used to attention, love and appreciation being conditional, I felt something was off. I didn’t believe he really loved me! So I started to sabotage this strange new relationship and I started testing my partner. Because I didn’t believe his love was real or that I was worthy of his love, without realizing it, I did everything I could to protect myself from pain and disappointment.
Luckily, this man – with whom I have been together now for sixteen years – did not get angry. He did not call me names and did not use my own words against me. He simply loves me. Unconditionally.
Do you get this feeling that you are not good enough? Do you sometimes doubt if your friends and family really love you? Do you often hear that critical voice in your head? Stop and realize that your thoughts are nothing more than thoughts. It feels real, but it isn’t. It is your subconscious trying to protect you from disappointment, pain and sadness.
If you would like to talk about yourself and your life, and about what you would like to change, I invite you to book a coaching conversation with me. You can find more information here.